Kareoke will never be a sober sport
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
