Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
