you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
