He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
