Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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