my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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