I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
