in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
