I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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