Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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