i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
