Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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