Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
In other news, I just burned my penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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