Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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