they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize