My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
