you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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