I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize