I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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