just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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