you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
