you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
