My Higher Power is John Stamos
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
