I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
