i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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