If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
