smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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