remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize