come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize