JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
