He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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