hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
