i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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