dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
