the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
