Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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