I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
