Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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