In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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