Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
