just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
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