I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
