i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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