Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
