So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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