Well douche your snatch and let's go!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
