Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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