he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
