I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize