Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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