I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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