Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
