He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
