Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
