We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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